Don’t ask where I’ve found this– I won’t say. Don’t ask how I’ve found this– my lips are sealed. Not only do I not wanna talk about it, but I also don’t want to talk about. Note: This article is sort of about porn? Not really, but sorta? Only time will tell. Speaking of time, here is 9 minutes and 17 seconds of confusion.

UPDATE– The YouTube video was taken down, but there will always be more like it coming up and going away.

I’m not here trying to get you to whack it. Really– I’m no Uber driver; I have no interest in getting you where you wanna be. But what I am is an archeologist– some kind of venerable explorer; digging through the annals and archives of the internet, bringing you only top quality content that will most assuredly improve your life.

Only good information and recommendations.

I want to blatantly lay out the insanity that is this YouTube video– existing among literally hours and hours of this content there is the aforementioned compilation which is undoubtedly familiar to my fellow early/mid 2000’s bloomers, living on Limewire and AIM.

Never forgetti.

But who IS this mystery woman who is wholly incapable of dancing? Well we denizens of the true and honest internet of the early 2000’s know this mesmerizing mistress as “Christina Model”, but I’ll let her own IMBD article do the talking;

Christina Lucci, a popular Internet big bust model, first began posting enticing photos of herself on her own official website at age 16 in September, 2001. In 2006 Christina became an anonymous Internet phenomenon after posing for a t-shirt website in t-shirts with such slogans as “Not everything is flat in Florida” on them. Christina has two tattoos and a pierced navel. Lucci appears in the music video for “Ass Like That” by Eminem and has modeled extensively for the magazine Off the Lot. She resides in Florida.

Florida?! Eminem?! A pierced navel?! Is there really anything more early 2000’s? Which, by the way, are referred to as the “ots” (like “hot” without the “h”). I find that name horribly aesthetically unpleasing and I will only refer to those years as “the 2000’s” because, despite being prententious, I am not going out of my way to embody this specific breed of minutia-based pretention.

But let’s really beat the meat of this piece– In this year called “2018”, anno domini; the year of our Lord, there are still human beings– living, breathing humans with careers and stocks who choose to go to YouTube (not a porn site) to really rock and roll with re-uploaded, standard definition, 4:3, terribly shot, boring MODELING VIDEO of a solid 6.4/10 just awkwardly dancing in place. But if that was not enough for you (sickos) there are hundreds of videos like the one I mentioned earlier that compile OSTENSIBLY THE SAME VIDEO, not even hitting the YouTube (Google) AdSense 10 minute algorithm-approved length for optimal monetization (if that is the goal).

This is how I feel on the inside.

Despite all of the incredible FREE options available to any given individual, not to mention that these SAME EXACT VIDEOS are available on pretty much EVERY SINGLE ADULT VIDEO SITE, there are numerous individuals that seem to think this is either; A) The best option, or B) The only option– how else could one possibly justify to to one’s self? Sure, absolutely– maybe you’re not one thousand percent on your mental game when you’ve got CHRISTINA MODEL MADNESS (CMM), but c’mon.

And you’re using the Family Wii in the living room while your parents are out.

Honestly this entire situation makes me a little…

Stoked. The internet I grew up with was like this bizarre Jail-bait, weird-dance, busty-girl video on an inappropriate platform– inexplicable at it’s absolute best and morbidly fascinating at it’s worst. I love the feeling of general uncertainty that used to come with surfing the web. Perhaps I’ve grown greatly since then–most assuredly I have. Maybe I’m not the demographic anymore. But I bet if I was a teenager whose internet time was being monitored closely– well, let’s just say this; “Any port in a storm.”

Even if that port is owned by [b i g b 0 0 b s]

-Brendan C Bush, Co-creator and contributor at Heck Media

Edit: I didn’t notice before that one person gave the video a “thumbs down”– what a champion.

Advertisements