LAST TIME, ON SCAMVENTURE-
LITERALLY READING AN EMAIL
So, uh, here it is.
After being informed that our deceased relative (Edward Media, if you’d remember) left us a large sum of mon- no no, a life-changing windfall of money. Well dang, we’re no Rockefeller! We certainly ain’t no Rothschild! We can’t pass up this opportunity! So let’s ignore the fact that Media is most certainly not our last name and soldier on! And there’s a fun little surprise at the end, so be sure to finish! We left off on paragraph four, so let’s hit it.
4) “””100% Legitimate”””
I feel as if, whenever one is trying to scam someone else, you shouldn’t just come out and talk about the legitimacy of your “proposal”. There should be, in a real agreement or transaction, an air of legitimacy that goes unspoken. When you go to the bank and ask to deposit money, is the teller insisting that the bank is “100% legitimate, I promise!!!!”? No, those who have integrity conduct themselves in such a way where their legitimacy is almost tangible. Jude is not filling me with confidence at all. I’d also like to point out an interesting error in this paragraph.
“. . . but all my efforts prove abortive due to unaffiliated information about his relatives”
What the hell does that mean? This is in reference to Jude’s attempts to contact other relatives of “Edward Media” to claim the small loan of 8.5 million dollars (a few years down the road people may not know what I’m referencing here, and that kind of makes it funnier to me). This is either an example of someone using big words incorrectly or a terrible translation.
5 & 6) BCEAO Financial Bank and the Transfer of Funds
Oh boy, two paragraphs at once?? We’re getting spicy over here. Full disclosure; paragraphs five and six don’t really tell us anything new. It reinforces to us, the sucker, that the money , if not claimed, will be confiscated by the Government. Damn it, we cannot let the “””MAN””” take our money from us! We must claim what is rightfully ours, or my name isn’t BRENDAN MEDIA.
7) Wait, you’re going to come here?
So this is interesting. At the end of the seventh paragraph, Jude seems to either trip himself up on words or suggests something fascinating. The line I’m referring to goes as follows;
“after which I will come over for the sharing and my investment plan over there through your help.”
What I take from this is that Jude Anthony, THE Jude Anthony, is going to come here to New York once the transaction is finalized and act as my . . . accountant? From what I understand about being a barr(i)ster is that it’s a legal profession, not one in the fiscal sector. Now, I understand that there is a bit of legal whoosey-whatz-it that goes along with the handling of such a large sum of cash, however you would assume Jude would suggest I get a personal accountant. Think about it- there is no 8.5 million dollars. This is all a clever ruse to get me to wire money to Jude and never hear from him again. So there would be, in essence, no harm in giving me “sound advice” for when I get the money- Jude will be long gone when I “realize” I got scammed. Matter of fact, it would make the e-mail more believable on the whole. I should really compose my own mock scam-email when all of this is through.
8) Jude’s Motivation.
First of all, nobody take that as a “Jane’s Addiction” cover/parody band name because I call dibs. Second of all, now we’re privy to Jude’s real stake in this operation. We’re informed that 40% of the total money we’re about to get will go to Jude in commission. Doing the math real quick, we find out that we’re to give Jude. . . hmm. . . carry the eight. . . 3.4 million dollars. Holy shit, that is a ridiculous commission; typically, commission for the average sales rep in America hovers somewhere between two and six percent of the total sale. But hey, Jude is a barr(i)ster! He should earn more, right? And plus, this still leaves us with a cool 5.1 million that we wouldn’t even have if it wasn’t for good ol’ Jude. What a nice person Jude is, I mean if you ignore the whole “e-mail scam” thing.
9) BY GOD GRACE
What you just read was not a typo; it was a direct quote from Jude himself. Apparently, with just some simple information from me, and a blessing form the LORD HIMSELF, he can send an “Application Letter of Claim” to the BCEAO Financial Bank of Togo. The BCEAO is a real bank, and they do have a location in Togo, West Africa. Something about the “Application Letter of Claim” throws me off, though. Am I just that averse to bureaucratic nonsense jargon that the title of the document seems fake, or does it actually seem fake? But then, at the end, Jude requests some information from us to fill out the aforementioned claim letter. Let’s not disappoint him.
FIRST NAME: Heck
LAST NAME: Media
DATE OF BIRTH: 9/19/16
OCCUPATION: Hot-Air Logistics Supervisor
TELEPHONE NUMBER: (312) 867-5309
CITY: Metropolis, DC
COUNTRY: The U.S. of A, baby.
EMAIL ADDRESS: firstname.lastname@example.org
I almost posted this without saying what the surprise was! Wow, look at me, I almost really sucked back there. So we received a SECOND EMAIL. But, oh dear readers, it’s not just any e-mail. I’ll show you it right now, in all of it’s glory.
Good lord. There are spelling and grammar mistakes aboun-, wait, what’s that? IS THAT. OHHHH BOY OH BOY. A PICTURE OF HIS PASSPORT?!
This is phenomenal. So I used the reverse image search engine TinyEye to see if this photo was posted anywhere else on the internet, and I could not have written results this good if I tried. I was kicked back one lonely response from a forum called, I’m dead serious, ScamWarners.com. Here is the link to the forum thread that contains this exact picture.
Absolutely fantastic. I am stricken time and time again by the laziness of this particular scam. A cursory TinyEye search brings me DIRECTLY to a website that’s sole purpose is to warn people about scams. Absolute. Gold. But I’m made aware, once again, that this scam is not meant for a tech-savvy lad such as yours truly. Even some of my privy peers may not think to do a R.I.S., so I can’t imagine someone’s poor Grandmother doing it either. I might only take a few minutes out of this scammer’s day, but any amount is worth it to me. I’m not saying I’m waging some kind of holy war against West African E-mail Scammers, but documenting the problem like this is not only fun, but educational. But enough of all this fluffy nonsense.
Now we wait (for 5.1 million dollars).
-Brendan C. Bush, contributor and Co-Creator of Heck Media