Ladies and Gentlemen. You need to know something off the bat here. I didn’t expect a response, let alone a response so chock full of juicy, juicy content. This time I wasn’t assaulted by a visually atrocious e-mail, oh no dear reader. This time I was presented with a very well written (comparatively speaking, that is) set of instructions. But the depths to which these instructions are fascinating is truly astounding and, frankly, hilarious. Here’s a screenshot of the e-mail for your viewing pleasure.
A doozy, my friends. Let’s break this down paragraph by paragraph and see what the hell we’re dealing with this week. I’ll be giving each of the paragraphs a title to make this a little less like a high-school book report and more like a multi-part Netflix production that the kids are into these days. You know, to stay hip.
I want to point out two things before we begin. First off this e-mail is addressed to “Heck Media” and not the name I gave in my response e-mail, Micheal T. Hunt. Second, this type of scam is referred to as a “419 Advance Fee” scam, or the more colloquial “Nigerian Scam”, as the 419 refers to a specific code in Nigerian laws governing these sort of scams.
1) This Deal is For Real
Jude. Means. Business. We’re told (by Jude) that Jude is a very respected person with a “great personality”. Man, Jude, be a little more humble and people will believe you. Though I suppose this could also be someone who has confidence in spades. We’re told that Jude would “prefer” if we go through the “detailed information” of this “mutual benefit pursuit” for “good knowledge” and “understanding of the transaction”. I, for one, am excited for this good knowledge- lay it on my, Jude baby.
2) But Before We Start, More About Me.
Now, like any good barr(i)ster, Jude tells us a little bit about himself. He tells us that he resides in the West African region of Togo. Let’s head on over to Wikipedia and see what we can learn. (What- you didn’t know this was edutainment?). Togo exists in the north west section of Africa, next to Ghana and Benin. Togo, despite being one of the smallest countries in Africa, has one of the highest standards of living in all of Africa. Here’s a picture of where Jude claims to be from in Togo- Lomé (misspelled “Kome”, assumedly due to the proximity of the “k” key and”l” key).
I wasn’t able to find the exact address that Jude provided for us, what a darn shame. I was hoping to see Jude’s law offices, or more accurately, internet café from which this scam is almost definitely perpetrated from.
3) Long Lost Relative?
Up until this point the e-mail hasn’t been particularly funny, wouldn’t you say? Oh dear readers I thought the same exact thing. Until this paragraph. I was wholly unaware of my relative that (used to) live in Togo, West Africa. I’m apparently entitled to the funds left behind by the deceased Mr. Edwards from the first e-mail. Oh, wait, excuse me, Edward is the gentleman’s first name. The deceased’s full name is Edward Media.
It was at this point that I remembered that when I created the g-mail account I used first name Heck, last name Media. Ladies and gentlemen, we have the LAZIEST scammer here on our hands. I almost wanna sit down with Jude (which I’m sure is this person’s real name) and tell them how bad they SUCK. Whatever they’re using here, be it program or what-have-you, is clearly not being reviewed. I wonder how many kids have gotten e-mails like this and the names they gave to Google was “Dicksmash Fuckboi”.
And I think at this point I’m going to call it for this entry I wanna make sure that this is released in a palatable fashion. Next time we’ll finish the e-mail and take our next step into our SCAMVENTURE!
-Brendan C. Bush, contributor and Co-Creator of Heck Media