It’s the early morning and you’re hungry. You’re sick of eating at the Dunkin’ down the street. You don’t wanna wait for other dining options to open. But hey; you’ve got a fridge full of foo- oh, wait, you’re poor. Let’s see whats in the fridge. . . ah, alright alright here we go. Look what I found.

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-Half stick of Unsalted Butter
-A small Onion
-Some Garlic
-Half a Red Pepper
-Couple of Brown Eggs
-Thing of Salt
-Thing of Pepper
-Some Savory seasoning that you’ve had for some reason

And utensils too. Neat. Look at us go.
-Chef Knife that you spent too much money on
-Dollar Store Bowl
-Dollar Store Plate
-Secondhand, but decent, Frying Pan
-A fork for mixing

How long do I have before work? This’ll take me probably, ehhh, twenty minutes or so? Let’s break this down step by step so even I can’t mess this up.

1. Wash veggies and prep for Dicing

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So good so far. See, this cooking thing is easy! Okay, whats step two?

2. Dice the veggies.

Okay, easy easy! We can’t possibly screw this up.

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Oh, you’re a comedian now. Ha ha. Very funny. I’m really hungry here can we get this show on the road?

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Thank you. Oh my god- we’re only on step three.

3.Put pan on the burner, turn to heat 3, add butter to the pan and allow butter to melt fully.

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Cut it out.

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4. Once the butter is melted add the veggies to the pan.

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No opposition? No funny little “misinterpretation”? Oh god, what did you do? Did you do something when I wasn’t looking? Now I’m stressed out. I thought cooking was supposed to be fun.

Huh? Oh, right right. Step five.

5. Let the veggies sauté in the pan while you prep and season the eggs

Oh boy, do you see that? “Sauté”. You’re “sauté-ing” a thing! Look at that little accent mark above the “e”, we’re getting real fancy up in here. Back to the eggs. I imagine it’s just a matter of breaking them into the bowl, adding the seasonings, and mixing- right?

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Hey now- that looks pretty decent! We’re on a freaking roll here since you got your act together. Alright, time for step six. We can do this.

6. The veggie sauté should be sizzling in the pan now, add the seasoned egg mixture to the sauté


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I know what you’re thinking- “Gawrsh Brendan- that’s a lot of veggies in there! There are too many veggies in there! Shouldn’t there be more egg?”. To that I would say “Hey man- this my food. You can make yours however you want to”.

7. Let cook until solid consistency throughout and fold in half. Then cook to desired done-ness

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Okay. Moment of truth. Are you worried? Have you waited long enough? Are you as stressed out as me? Well listen; if you screw up at this point you’ve basically just made a some sick scrambled eggs.

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Booyah. Alright, let’s plate this bad boy up and chow down!

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WHAT? WHAT?! WHAT HAPPENED?! WE WERE ON SUCH A ROLL. WE WERE TOTALLY KILLING IT AND YOU MESSED UP PUTTING IT ON THE PLATE? OH MY GOD, I’M SURROUNDED BY AMATEURS.

Ugh, whatever whatever. At least it’ll still taste the same. And it does still look pretty good. Here, throw a piece of fruit on there to round out the meal.

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Well that was. . . something. But hey, we did it! Pat yourself on the back, you’ve earned it. Now go take a picture of what you made and send it to your mother. Tell her you sauté’d the veggies and used spices that weren’t just salt and pepper; she’ll be pleased as punch. Enjoy your hard-earned meal and I’ll see you next time when we eat our own hands.

-Brendan C. Bush, Contributor and C0-Creator of Heck Media

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